All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
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What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Same post same
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta