[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
You Might Also Like
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already