Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
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I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop