The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
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Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.