Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
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JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car