A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
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My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
$3 #books
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
A short story about romance.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely