A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
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me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked