ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
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If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
just make the entire table out of coaster
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.