Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
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Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Goodnight 🐶
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?