former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
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Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked