Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
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You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
broke down and did it
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left