Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
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Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
kids play hide and seek like
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.