[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
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I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??