If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
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Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
For anyone who needs this today
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
welp
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour