There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
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Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.