i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
You Might Also Like
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Me trying to “trust the process”
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Science memes
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking