I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
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when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
bout dat hot dog summer
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.