[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
You Might Also Like
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”