It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
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ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
🤣could you imagine
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up