Saint West, the patron of selfies
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Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.