Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
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ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*