Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
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i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.