The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
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Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Good advice.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?