Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
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Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.