man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
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5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.