Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
You Might Also Like
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Bring back the McRib
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.