Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
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I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
You are what you delete.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.