Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
You Might Also Like
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
*pronounces fake like saké*
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.