Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
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My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.