Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
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Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
God, I love Scotland
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
🤔😂😂
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.