told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
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Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
how to exercise your calf muscles
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
SF is the wild wild west man
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.