From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
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Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts