ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
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ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.