I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
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Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
liiiiiiiiike
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.