I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
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If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left