Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
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[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.