i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
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oh u like geography? name every lake
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.