You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
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If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase