She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
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I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*