the short answer to this question
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Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.