Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
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I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear