If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
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Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.