My plans: 2020:
You Might Also Like
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean