[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
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The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.