Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
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I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
dutch is not a serious language
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..