if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
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“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important