Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
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Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.