duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
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The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Blew my mind.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?