I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
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[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.