if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
You Might Also Like
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
These are my roll models.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Why is no one talking about this?!
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*